Benjamin Epstein
Staff Writer
Molecular biology midterms are not for the faint of heart. Thankfully, the brightest minds of UC Santa Barbara (UCSB) have put together ten beautiful tips on how to roundhouse kick biology midterms into submission.
- Give the teacher some money so they’ll pass you. This is known as a “bribe.”
- Picture all of the cells in their underwear.
- Remove all uranium from your backpack. That way, you won’t get radiation poisoning.
- Bring some E.coli with you, so you can ask it questions about what it’s like to be bacteria.
- Don’t commit crimes during the test. That could get you arrested.
- If your test comes to life and tries to eat you, tell the teacher. This is incredibly unusual behavior.
- Make sure there are no wasps in your pocket, because they could sting you.
- If a fire starts during the quiz, you can stop it by using a device known as a “fire extinguisher.”
- Make sure none of the other students have uranium in their backpack by stealing everyone’s backpack the day before the test … and throw them in The Hole.
- Travel back in time and kill Stephen Molecularbiology— the inventor of molecular biology. That way, you won’t have a test to take, and you can quit college, flee the country, and take up a new life as an ice fisher in Greenland.
- Study hard.