1. Shrek 2 ACT 1 Scene 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy… until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss… of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land. [looks at the audience] And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her… [pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess… Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavens. Where is she? WOLF She’s on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 Scene 2 THE SWAMP SHREK It’s so good to be home! Just you and me and… DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number that you ever do…[enters] Two can be as bad as one… SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ’bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don’t have any fish. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the time. I guess you’d better be going. DONKEY Don’t you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I’d move in with you. FIONA You know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! 3 DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You’re bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so…Maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He’ll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] “Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…uh… Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad.” FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We’re not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit…shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they’re my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don’t worry. They’ll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They’re not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? 4 FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there’s some fine print for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that’s it. You won’t come? SHREK Trust me. It’s a bad idea. We are not going! And that’s final! ALL exit. SCENE 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’] Don’t worry! We’ll take care of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move ’em on! Head ’em up! Head ’em up, move ’em on! Head ’em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock ’em out! Pound ’em dead! Make ’em tea! Buy ’em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk ’em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5 DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That’s not funny. That’s really immature. SHREK That’s not funny. That’s really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I’m gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There’s no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far…[softly] away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I’m just so darn bored. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit 6 SCENE 4 FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So…you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that’s our little girl. KING That’s not little! That’s a really big problem. Wasn’t she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN Well, he’s no Prince Charming, but they do look… SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let’s go before they light the torches. FIONA They’re my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own… KING Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go back inside and pretend we’re not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be… SHREK Quick! While they’re not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything’s gonna be… KING A disaster! There is no way… FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother 7 SHREK I really… KING Really… QUEEN don’t… SHREK want… FIONA to… KING be… SHREK Here! FIONA Mom… Dad…I’d like you to meet my husband… Shrek. SHREK Well, um…It’s easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking off a GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you mean, “not on the list”? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. [enters] What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It’s all right. It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That’s me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well…Shrek owns his own land. Don’t you, honey? SHREK Oh, yes! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and… DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain’t talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8 SHREK It’s a bit early to be thinking about that, isn’t it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What’s that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It’s great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be… SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who’ve been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn’t understand. You’re not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold… DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying 9 SCENE 5 STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily… Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You’re all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I’m your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don’t worry. I’m here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy man-boy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but… SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh…Fairy Godmother… I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can’t be right. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She’s just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving. FIONA What? I don’t want to leave. When did you decide this? 10 SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I’m sorry… FG No, that’s all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… happiness…is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we’ve got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy… FG So I see. Let’s go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could’ve at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don’t think I was going to get Daddy’s blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving like a… SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here’s a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not…I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That’s not about to change. FIONA I’ve made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That’s real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an ogre!” SCENE 6 KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. 11 KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He’s the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you’re taking this a little too personally. QUEEN This is Fiona’s choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this… thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and… KING they were in bloom… QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It’s not the same! I don’t think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn’t it all wonderful! I’d like to know how it could get any worse! FG [out on the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I’ll just stretch it out here for a while. FG We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed.[yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about… we make this a quick visit. What? [Bumps up against two armed guards] Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what’s new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It’s been years. When did you get back? 12 CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert…I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower… FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower…And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t get there in time. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don’t want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo… chili rings… CHARMING I’ll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold… Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I’m fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go back on my part. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best. Not only for your daughter…but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT 2 SCENE 1 AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh… excuse me. I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who’s the guy? KING Well, he’s not a guy, per se. Um… He’s an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly…he don’t like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would… this be enough? [holds up a heavy satchel of coins] VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 14 SCENE 2 CASTLE SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I’m going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I’m old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we’ll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door KING Sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh… a scary book. KING I was hoping you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay… KING I don’t know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over… SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just… KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3 IN THE FOREST SHREK Face it, Donkey! We’re lost. DONKEY We can’t be lost. We followed the King’s instructions exactly. “Head to the darkest part of the woods…””Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches.” The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona’s dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don’t get huffy! I’m only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I’m sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don’t worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain’t purring. SHREK Sure. What’s next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a… PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It’s a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. 16 PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from…Puss… in Boots! SHREK I’ll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers… SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing. DONKEY Don’t feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That’s what the King said. Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her. SHREK Well, it’s not like I wouldn’t change if I could. I just… I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone… “Happiness. Just a tear drop away.” Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going “Piñata!!” What is a piñata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don’t go projecting on me. I know you’re feeling bad, but you got to [Puss steps on his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of… KYLE enters with a cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm’s name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona’s not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some question as to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we? Cinderella.”Lived happily ever after.” No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman…No, no, no! You see, ogres don’t live happily ever after. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don’t you point…those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah… that’s okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits] SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I’ll keep watch. I’ll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I’ll laugh, too. I’ll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS 18 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find “handsome.” PUSS Hey! How about “Happily Ever After”? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says “Beauty Divine.” SHREK That’ll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn’t a good time, pumpkin. Mama’s working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that’s what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You’re still going to be king. We’ll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um…Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh…I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. SCENE 4 THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s wedding ball. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don’t think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven’t. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He’s a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um…Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog’s breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven’t, dear. I’m sure he just went off to look for a nice… mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn’t exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he’s done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you’d be happy for me. KING Darling, I’m just thinking about what’s best for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5 FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] “Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine.” You both will be fine? I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don’t feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o’ voodoo and let’s get out of here. SHREK It says, “Beauty Divine.” How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’ll have a reaction. And if you think that I’ll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here’s to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there’s no going back. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then…he farts DONKEY I think you grabbed the “Farty Ever After” potion. PUSS Maybe it’s a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA Dad…I’ve been thinking about what you said. And I’m going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That’s my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I’m going to go out and find him. And then we’ll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3 SCENE 1 IN THE BARN – MORNING SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh… My head… SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I’m… I’m… SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I’m Jill. What’s your name? SHREK Um… Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK looks around confused SISTER You’re tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That’s some quality potion, Shrek! What’s in that stuff? PUSS “Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with… nervous disorders.” SHREK What? PUSS Señor? “To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love’s kiss by midnight.” SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I’ll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh… 22 PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let’s face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you’re the same old mean, salty… SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY …cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you’re still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well…Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps SCENE 2 THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well…Now, he’s sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, baby… I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his exit with her wand] Are you going so soon? Don’t you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing off outfit] Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you’d approve. QUEEN Um… Who are you? KING Mom, it’s me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don’t think they can hear us, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don’t you think you’ve already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She’s finally found the prince of her dreams. SHREK But look at me. Look what I’ve done for her. FG It’s time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She’s a princess, and you’re an ogre. That’s something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But…I love her. FG If you really love her… you’ll let her go. SHREK leaves SCENE 3 THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can’t believe you’d walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that good-looking? SISTER Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. 25 SHREK You know…shockingly, this isn’t making me feel any better. Look, guys. It’s for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she’s always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don’t get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that’s why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She’s, uh… in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You’d better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really… warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it’s not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I’m that dreadful ogre? KING No, no, it’s nobody’s fault. Perhaps it’s best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can’t force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [pulls out a magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona drink this and she’ll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm… no. FG What did you say? KING I can’t. I won’t do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? 26 KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming’s hair before the ball. He’s hopeless. He’s all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit SCENE 4 IN THE CASTLE The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I’m not going. KING The whole Kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There’s just one problem. That’s not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You’d be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He’s completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it’s the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I’d give anything to have him back. [reached for one of the tea cups] KING Darling. That’s mine. Decaf. Otherwise I’m up all night. FIONA [drinking from the other cup] Thanks. 27 SCENE 5 THE DUNGEON DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can’t lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You’re supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, “I’m wearing ladies’ underwear!” PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies’ underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO I most certainly am not! [his nose grows] DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY [looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s lederhosen] It’s a thong! PINOCHIO Oww! They’re briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the lock with PINOCHIO’s nose] SHREK Okay boys! We’ve got to stop that kiss! 28 DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can’t let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That’s what I like to hear. Look who’s coming around! PINOCHIO It’s impossible! You’ll never get in. The castle’s guarded. There’s a moat and everything! [nose shrinks back down] GINGY Folks, it looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! SCENE 6 THE ROYAL BALL ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I’m just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake… FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG [Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to dedicate this song to… Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? 29 CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let’s crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn’t just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. PINOCHIO I’m a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I’m a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That’s mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss… PUSS and Donkey! FG She’s taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don’t live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he…? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I’d hoped you’d never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he’s right. I’m sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now… she already has it. Shrek, Fiona… Will you accept an old frog’s apologies… and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I’m sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. 31 QUEEN You’re more that man today than you ever were… warts and all. Clock chimes PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now… we can stay like this. FIONA You’d do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, [SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him] with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobs] Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn’t we supposed to be having a fiesta?

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