Who Needs Match.com When You Have Facebook?


Samantha McMullen
Arts & Reviews Editor

After watching the recent movie The Social Network, my suspicions about the creation of Facebook were confirmed. It now seems apparent that Mark Zuckerberg did not actually create Facebook as a place for people like my grandma to stalk me. However, she does. According to the film, Facebook was created to connect college students with a complete social experience on the Internet. While it may have first been intended for college students, the modern-day version doesn’t require users to be within the age range of 18 to 22, but is instead now open to all. This means everyone from your ex to your best friend from elementary school to your grandma can be reading your statuses and viewing your photos.

I once put as a status the Anchorman quote, “We will be married on top of a mountain and you won’t be invited!” My grandma shyly commented, “Wait, when are you getting married?”

But I suppose that I cannot speak about my grandma without admitting that I do a bit of stalking myself, and not just of friends or people I meet at parties. Since arriving at UCSB, it has been hard for me to visit my family that lives in a small town four hours away. Stalking my mother on her Facebook is pretty much the only way to find out what is going on in her life. This how I can make sure everything is going well and that my mom hasn’t gone insane due to stress, chopped up my little brother, and put him in the freezer.

Even though Facebook was initially supposed to be a college experience, it now functions for me as a communication channel with people who are not necessarily students.

My high school friends, whom I moved away from on purpose, are constantly requesting me, as if being friends at one time wasn’t enough for them. I would have gladly waited until my high school reunion to talk to most of those people, but thanks to Facebook, we will have nothing to talk about when that fateful day comes.

Finally, we now face a detrimental combination of Facebook stalking and easy access to friends—booty calls. When most people think of booty calls, they think of perverted guys up late on their computers trying to get some action in the easiest and laziest way. However, although I am sure this happens, it is not always the case.

One of my high school friends, Nick Chambers, a sophomore at Cal-State East Bay, was on Facebook one night when a college friend messaged him. The girl saw he was awake on Facebook chat and called him.

“She wanted it so bad but I was tired. Then she offered to bring me wings from Wingstop, so she ended up bringing me a 20-piece just to bang her,” Chambers said.

Thanks to Facebook, this girl was able to get her freak on.

Facebook has broken down many barriers in my experience. Your older relations can constantly check up on you and can thus decide if you deserve ten dollars and a card on your birthday. During Christmastime, if you are not careful, Santa will have Facebook evidence to help decide if you have been naughty or nice. In addition, keep in mind that your future employers can see all of your information and can be less forgiving than your parents.

Facebook has given me the ability to see which of my friends are out partying, and it lets me see pictures of my parents partying that I wish I had never seen. On Facebook you do not need to be crazy or have a Y-chromosome to stalk and seduce others. And with Facebook’s help, you can skip the normal dating process and go right to the hook-ups.

So, fellow students, if you don’t want to be that blonde kid in your statistics class’s next booty call or find yourself on the unemployment list tomorrow, keep your private information private and party life separate from your professional life. Do not misuse this new found power, or mans’ hunger for Buffalo wings.