Daniel Ku
Contributing Writer

Due to circumstances completely unrelated to COVID-19, local UC Santa Barbara freshman Bob Smith has been isolating himself from society since February. Traumatized by his 89 percent on a History 2A quiz worth 1.5 percent of his total grade, Smith has cut off all contact from the outside world in an attempt to escape his guilt of wasting his parents’ money on a life of futility and squander. 

In a downward spiral of anxiety and depression, he came to the conclusion that his academic future was nonexistent, and that his whole life was a complete failure. He then skipped all classes and exams because life has no purpose.

Unaware that he had maintained his 4.0 GPA due to his finals getting canceled, Smith spent his time building a false sense of self-esteem by spamming “League of Legends” games and collecting imaginary Internet points. “I thought life had meaning but now that I’ve seen the truth I realize no matter where I put my work in, it won’t mean anything when I’m dead. So why not spend my time on something enjoyable?”

After spending all of spring break binge-watching “Friends,” Smith contemplated dropping out of school for good: “Maybe I can become a streamer of something — I don’t know. Or I could start a Patreon and post anime reviews on YouTube?” 

Today, Smith is now out of isolation. 

“I did some soul searching and I realized that I was in a position where I let my fears and anxiety spiral out of control. I’m going to seek help and this will be the quarter I get my shit together. I’m going to attend all my classes, get involved in campus organizations, and find myself a girlfriend! Maybe I’ll start working out at the recreation center. Might as well since I’m paying for it.”