Chancellor Yang Refuses to Cancel Finals Amidst an Impending Alien Invasion

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Illustration by Alyssa Long

Daniel Ku
Contributing Writer

This is a developing story with live updates.

March 13

A massive fleet of aliens from sector X-1867 invaded Earth last Friday in an attempt to wipe out humanity and claim the planet for itself. Despite mounting concerns over the complete annihilation of all of mankind, Chancellor Yang is refusing to cancel finals claiming the situation is under control.

“Dear Members of Our Campus Community,

It has come to our attention that there are some extraterrestrial forces that may be disrupting the lives of our community. We hear the concerns of students and faculty and are working closely with officials and law enforcement to make sure our campus is safe for teaching and learning. 

Despite the dangers that may arise from an alien invasion, the threat to our physical campus remains low. We remain committed to providing the best education possible and so we urge the community to remain calm and support one another. The campus will remain open and finals will go on as planned. Please do not give in to fear and remain strong in the face of adversity.

Thoughts and Prayers,

Henry T. Yang
Chancellor”

March 16

Despite the message of unity sent out by the Chancellor, many have criticized it as elitist and tone-deaf to the struggles of the community. One vocal protestor, Sally Smith, claims that the university is not doing enough to address the loss of income and trauma caused by the aliens’ laser beam incinerating cities: 

“My whole town got evaporated by the aliens! All my family and friends from back home are dead, yet Yang still expects me to stay focused on my organic chemistry class. This is outrageous and wrong. I can’t focus on my classes with a death ray beaming down on Earth every couple of hours.” 

Devastated students have emailed professors asking them to postpone or cancel finals. Despite this, many have refused, citing the need for academic integrity and fairness. A professor that wishes to stay anonymous due to fear of backlash gave this statement. 

“Yeah, I know aliens are killing everyone but I don’t really think it’s fair for everyone if I just canceled finals and gave everyone an A. Stress is just part of life and I feel like students should just stop being so whiny. If they’re that sad, they should just go to CAPS or something.” 

March 17 9:27 AM

Citing the mounting pressure from the community as well as the destruction of Los Angeles, Chancellor Yang is allowing individual departments to cancel finals should they wish to do so. We are now waiting for reports of how each department is choosing to proceed with grades and finals.

March 17, 9:28 AM

Department of Statistics and Applied Probability: “Cancel Finals? Lol, no …”

Department of Economics: “We don’t know yet but we just want to say, screw econ transfers.”

Molecular, Cellular, and Developmental Biology: “Yes, these exams are mandatory as they test the students on important subject matter, such as the damage caused to cells when exposed to a giant laser of death.”

More updates coming soon.