Each Halloween night people of all ages take to the street in search of sugary handouts. Over decades this practice has evolved, with neighborhood denizens handing out everything from candied apples to full size chocolate bars, but throughout the years one thing has always stayed the same: the candy. Some candies have just always been better than others, and below is my ranking for what’s desirable and what’s despicable when it gets dropped in your bucket on Halloween night.
Bottom of the Bag – 5 Worst Halloween Candies
- Laffy Taffy
What holds Laffy Taffy back isn’t the design of the taffy itself, but rather the poor choices of flavors that a child inevitably falls victim to. With flavors like grape and banana, Nestlé has ensured that every variety bag of taffy is filled with at least 30 percent sadness.
Nuts should be left on bar tables and in trail mix, because within candy they serve as nothing but tasteless crunchy interference for the actual snack. Not even the presence of caramel can save this treat.
- Tootsie Rolls
Whoever thought of making chocolate flavored taffy should be removed from existence. Tootsie Rolls are like the shorter, incompetent brother of chocolate fudge. A weird and uncomfortable mixture of flavor and textures, Tootsie rolls get no one excited on Halloween.
- Milk Duds
The candy is only given to you by your dentist in order to make sure you keep coming back. Milk Duds contain caramel, an ingredient I previously thought you could not go wrong with. But somehow, the impossible has been managed. A sickly sweet mess of melted sugar, the only thing you’ll get out of Milk Duds is candy stuck in your teeth for weeks on end.
This spot on the list could have been taken by many candy bars more popular than Mounds, but any excuse I get to talk about how terrible Mounds are is welcome. Consisting of literally nothing but coconut and dark chocolate, it is inconceivable to me that Mounds has even continued production for its much overdue lifespan of 98 years. Uninteresting, uninspired, and disliked by most, Mounds comes dead last.
First Pickings – Top 5 Halloween Candies
Finally making room for candy that is actually enjoyable, Nerds are the standard for fruity flavored snack. With smartly packaged boxes that allow the containment of many Nerds, this snack boasts the highest candy return per unit of Halloween sized handout.
The original chocolate bar. Nothing special, nothing terrible, Hershey’s has the best milk chocolate of any of its peers. None of the fillings or toppings that the rest seem to need, this chocolate stands fine on it’s own.
M&Ms take the cake as the only multi-piece chocolate treat on this list, allowing the consumer to spread out their consumption over time and essentially make the experience last much longer. With a simple candy coating, there’s nothing special going on, but they’re delicious nevertheless.
- Three Musketeers
Starting off the top of the list, Three Musketeers come filled with none other than fluffy marshmallow-y goodness. A simple treat, yet still effective.
The perfect combination of sweet and salty, even I, a critic of peanut flavored treats, can respect the unique flavor profile Reese’s brings to the game. There is just simply no other candy like it.
- Kit Kat
Wafers and chocolate were truly a match made in heaven. Kit Kats provide just enough bite without an overwhelming amount of chocolate, keeping the snack light and the consumer ready to come back for more.
- Milky Way
Toblerone’s little brother, Milky Way still manages to stand on its own two feet. Filled with caramel and nougat, no bite of a Milky Way is unsatisfying, with the nougat making up for the lack of texture that candies such as Three Musketeers suffer from.
Very similar in appeal to Kit Kat in terms of simplicity, Crunch bars bring the top quality milk chocolate from Hershey’s bars and break up the richness of the flavor without subtracting any of the taste.
- Sour Patch Kids
The king of fruit flavored snacks, Sour Patch Kids contain virtually no disliked flavors. Perhaps because I favor sour candies, or perhaps because Sour Patch Kids are simply the only quality gummy candies on the popular Halloween market, these treats are welcome in any candy haul.
The king, the almighty father of candy. Chocolate coated, Twix bar reigns supreme over any other treat you’re fated to find on a Halloween night. For some reason, the only candy bar smart enough to put cookies into chocolate, Twix does even more than that by adding the universally loved caramel to the mix. Truly the perfect combination of candy to receive in your Halloween haul, Twix triumphs over all else (until they start handing out Toblerone).