By Net Neutrality, Did You Mean Communism?


Andrea Vallone
Staff Writer

So recently I’ve been reading a lot on the hullaballoo about “net neutrality” and recent developments in the federal appeals court. On Jan. 14, the District of Colombia Circuit Court determined that the Federal Communications Commission has no authority to enforce Network Neutrality rules, otherwise known as the principle of an “Open Internet.” As of now, we can access every website or Internet application for the same price, that which you pay monthly for Internet access.

So what does this mean? You know how you are currently plagued with aimlessly wandering the engulfing World Wide Web on whatever application or service you so hastily decide on? Well now, thanks to the DC Circuit Court, you have an out! Long gone are the days burdened with infinite possibilities online that work to disenfranchise and distress you–“Which website should I go onto today? What search engine should I use? Should I use Skype or iChat? Oh the struggle!” Have no fear, because Internet Service Providers are your guardian angels now, equipped to guide you through the immense set of alternatives.

Of course, I don’t need to tell you what good news this is for all avid Internet consumers–but what the hell, let us revel in the joys of this good fortune regardless!

First off, Time Warner Cable, AT&T, Verizon, and Comcast are the top dogs of the Internet Service Provider gang–so why wouldn’t we want to keep it that way? It is entirely the case that these ISPs got to where they are today through pure honest hard work and innovative business ideas that put the consumer first.

Supporters of Net Neutrality claim it is these companies that beguile us consumers, and manipulate us through penny pinching tactics, all the while playing the two-faced villain. But let’s be honest, aren’t these Net Neutrality supporters the real villains here? They say that want what’s best for the consumer but it sounds like what they really want is to leave you to fend for yourself on the battlefield that is the Internet. Shove you out into the wilderness with nothing but a mouse. “Freedom” they claim, but we all know these sadist Net Neutrality supporters mean torture.

You know how now everything online goes at the same speed? How you can’t decide which applications are better because they are all equally effective? How you must actively create pro and con lists of services and applications, weigh the costs and benefits of each, and make your own laboriously informed decision? Well, without Net Neutrality, ISPs can effectively create a fast lane among slow lanes on the Internet to showcase what applications and services you should be using! Is that not the most considerate thing you have heard today? ISPs are willing to take the time to determine what is best for you and then provide it for you speedily so that you don’t get caught up in other small time websites of companies that don’t even have the decency to fork up some cash in the name of the consumer.

So why were we even considering Net Neutrality in the first place? Well these buzz words like “open” and “freedom” and “equal opportunity” promulgate the idea that we should be treating everybody equally, whether it’s profitable or not. Where is the fun in that? Treating all services and applications equally stand in the way of the top dogs’ freedom to make the money they deserve. Why should we let smalltime companies reap the same potential benefits as AT&T? I mean, really what we’re dealing with here is communism. These small, poor, stingy companies get to stand beside the victorious ISP leaders, regardless of who put in more work. First Obamacare and now Net Neutrality? Where is the capitalist America that won back-to-back world wars?

Anyway, I know I’m just preaching to the choir but I just can’t help but celebrate the future of the Internet now that is in the hands of those who actually know what they’re doing. We no longer have to suffer the pain of choosing between the vast array of services and applications online, we no longer have to be fooled by the miserly smalltime companies, we no longer are under threat of these Net Neutrality supporters spreading their communist agendas. Net Neutrality supporters claim that abolishing the rule will make the Internet synonymous to cable TV–and come on Isla Vista, you know just as well as I do that we all love Cox.