The No Mask Gang

Illustration by Alyssa Long

Gabrielle Courtney

Contributing Writer

You’ve seen them around Isla Vista (I.V.), at your local grocery store, and even throwing parties at sorority and frat houses. What characterizes these types of people? Is there something the anti-maskers know that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) doesn’t? Are they really wearing invisible masks that match their invisible COVID-19 force field? After extensive observation (with my own mask on) I realized that these people are special individuals with diverse beliefs, and it would be a shame for the rest of us to misunderstand them. For clarity’s sake, I’ve categorized the “no mask gang” into different types of people in order to have a more open mind as to where these individuals place their priorities followed by suggested interaction tips. 

  1. “Mask-ne” 

Mask acne, or “mask-ne,” is the condition of blocked skin pores from frequent mask usage. People with mask-ne phobia actually fear face acne more than the death-rate of COVID-19! As opposed to washing reusable masks or replacing surgical ones, these people believe that constant exposure to airborne virus particles is the best solution to eliminating lower face acne. 

Tip: Shower them with face mask and cleanser recommendations. 

2. Lip Injection Recipients

With new lip injections, these people are dying for the world to see. Considering the average procedure ranges from $500 to $1,500, recipients of the procedure are probably paying a heavier price than the cost of COVID-19 infection. It would be a shame if their mask not only protected them from COVID-19 contamination, but also from the view others have of them. 

Tip: Customize a special mask for them by drawing their lips onto their mask. 

3. COVID-19 Deniers 

Despite available international health statistics, these people live in active disbelief that COVID-19 is a legitimate condition that can be given or received. Sometimes, in conversation they will also accidentally deny a round earth. 

Tip: Regain their trust by presenting them with the Bill Nye TikTok mask demonstration video.  

4. Fever Dreamers

Similar but very distinct from COVID-19 deniers, dreamers are people who have failed to make the sequential connection between March 20 and the continuation of October. In their dream, every shutdown, news report, and mask mandate has all interpretively been a part of some really far-fetched narrative fabricating an existence of a pandemic. 

Tip: Show them how to lucid dream in compatibility with the world around them. 

5. “Nose what’s best” 

Audibly complaining about how they can’t breathe, these types of people are evidently torn between wanting to wear a mask and wanting to expose their nose. They creatively settle for an in-between-technique. Cute! During pre-COVID-19, times you’ve probably seen them shield their eyes from the sun while simultaneously wearing their baseball caps backward. 

Tip: Illustrate a presentational diagram of how a mask works with demonstrable breath work. 

Unless COVID-19 is actually an artificial creation by a foreign government, please uphold the courtesy of wearing a mask to ensure the safety of surrounding communities and to abide by national law. In all seriousness, if either your friend, housemate, or your housemate’s friend fits any of the descriptions above, I encourage you to sit them down and ask them to reconsider.