Faux-gue: Like Vogue, but….. Worse

Illustration by Alyssa Long

Raymond Matthews
Opinions Editor

  1. AirPods: This accessory is the perfect way to distinguish yourself from those wired plebeians and those unfortunate *insert disgusted, bourgeoisie glare* Android users.
  2. Ray-Bans: The eyes are the windows to the soul, but sadly you sold yours to the devil last year to afford those Airpods. So this season, conceal don’t feel with a pair of Ray Bans.
  3. Frat Letter Sweatshirt: An absolute must-have for fall, or really any season — you must wear it five days a week at a minimum — I don’t care if it’s 135 degrees out, you WILL wear the sweatshirt. Big Brother demands it.
  4. That half-button/zip-up fleece-thingy: This season, hit up Patagonia or Vineyard Vines (not North Face, it’s not 2011 and you are no longer the coolest kid in middle school) for the coveted half-button/zip-up fleece-jacket-thingy. Accent this piece with a powder blue striped shirt underneath (you all have one, even if you never bought it, it magically manifested in your closet during rush week along with a standard issue bow tie).
  5. Bud Light: Have you ever been drinking literally any beverage ever and thought, “This is cool and all, but I kinda wanna drink the liquid equivalent of a wet sponge?” If so, then Bud Light is the drink for you.
  6. The Backwards Hat: If you’ve run out of your 3-in-1 body-wash, shampoo, and conditioner and now your hair has lost its signature volume and luster: have no fear, the backwards hat is here.
  7. Juul: Forget Axe body spray, this season just keep yourself constantly surrounded by a cloud of vape mist. Now available in such sophisticated scents as Synthetic Blueberry, Eau De Toilette, and Mango Mountain Dew Cotton Candy Maxx, por Homme. Sold exclusively by Juul, produit de France.
  8. That very, very, very, very unbuttoned striped shirt: For day drinking, opt for the far-too-unbuttoned striped shirt. If you wanna go for that flirty, thirty, and thriving look, just don’t button it at all and bask in your impending sunburn.
  9. Please just admit that you’re wearing short-shorts: Was it even leg day if no one can see your quads highlighted in pink pastel short-shorts? Bonus points if you tie the look together with a belt that doesn’t match your shoes.
  10. Topsiders: These are a must for any formal occasion. They’re essentially the menswear equivalent of wedges.
  11. Flip flops: These are a great alternative to those pesky foot prisons that the normies refer to as “shoes.” Bonus points if your toenails are untrimmed.
  12. Unreasonably long athletic socks: Normally these socks are reserved for soccer players, but feel free to pair them with your favorite slides to achieve that coveted mid-calf tan line.