My fellow Gauchos, the unholiest of seasons is upon us: finals. Luckily, I’ve put together ten tips on how to get through these tough times. Remember that sometimes it be like that and read on, I promise that you and your two brain cells will thank me.
1. Don’t be afraid to show up at your professor or TA’s last office hours of the quarter and beg them to change your failing grade to an A! Crazier things have happened, and they owe you for not crowding up their lectures (because you, obviously, never went to class).
2. Speaking of your professors and TAs, make sure to send them a not-so-subtle “present” for all they’ve done to help you pass the class. I suggest an over-the-top fruit basket, but if you’ve got the funds to really splurge, no one turns down AirPods. If you’re the more direct type, you can never go wrong with an envelope full of money neatly labeled “BRIBE.”
3. If you haven’t grown up and tried cocaine yet, buy an entire case of Yerbies. A special money saving suggestion: if you really want a rush to kick-start a night of studying, shoplift them from the Arbor.
4. Hook up with the smartest person in your section! If you do well enough, you’ll have access to all the notes from lecture and an excellent study guide.
5. An alternative to the last step is to stalk the smartest person in your section. Hopefully they study somewhere public and eventually they’ll have to get up to use the bathroom. This is your chance to steal their laptop, or at the very least take pictures of their notes. You could even email yourself their carefully curated study guide.
6. Don’t attend the review session! Trust me, it’ll only confuse and depress you. Besides, some studies suggest going into exams blindly can actually improve your score. Who doesn’t love surprises?
7. Study like a crackhead! This means not taking any breaks, not sleeping, and only being productive during the wee hours of the morning. Whose brain isn’t more active at three in the morning?
8. Don’t forget to have fun! Why not make the nightmare of studying a little more tolerable? My personal favorites are taking a shot after each new chapter I read or wearing a cowboy hat all week (yes, I keep it on while showering, and yes, Old Town Road is playing in my mind constantly). Remember these two important things: U Can Study Buzzed, and most importantly, Yeehaw.
9. Don’t forget to try magic! Ask a Ouija board for the answers, pay a witch to put a curse on your professor, or see a psychic and convince them to persuade the spirits to possess you and take your final for you. It’ll probably be just as effective as trying to learn an entire quarter’s worth of material in one night.
10. If you’re desperate, don’t be afraid to try murder. Everyone knows that if someone dies during an exam, all the other students present pass the class. Choose someone to take the mortal L and ensure that they take one for the team. I recommend a classy poisoning or releasing a venomous animal into the room, but the options are truly endless.
Also, don’t forget to continuously update everyone on social media. It’s not finals if you don’t Snapchat from the library or take a selfie at three in the morning. You’re miserable and everyone should know it. The education system is a whole mess, good luck with finals y’all!