The Satanic Machine: Take Heed, TV Viewers
by Natasha Purington


O sinful television viewers: Are your lives engulfed by the devil’s entertainment? That devious machine that projects false images onto the immoral depths of your conscience? That bewitching monster, that sinister box of hell? That satanic machine is eating away at your miserable lives, while you stare blankly into its screen of deceit and falsehood. Life is ticking away, leading you on a path to the fiery depths of hell. Your lethargic body sluggishly seats itself before this malevolent television, allowing those destructive cathode rays to penetrate the jelly-like mass of your brain. 

You do not see fulfillment in your sinful existence, so you find pleasure in surrounding yourself with the lives of contempories, given life through those unfaithful machines of the TV box. Weakness overcomes you, as you cannot stop yourself from abandoning homework and drifting towards the screen.

Abstain from approaching that machine and allow me to lead you to a bright and more gratifying life. Whereas many sinners are enraptured by the lives of Summer and Seth, Dr. House, and America’s Next Top Models, those who follow in my path towards utopia and enlightenment will be freed of their corrupt actions. While each nerve of your miniscule brain is deteriorating, those who put down the remote are in the process of edification through the almighty Lord. 

I urge you to throw down that controlling remote, stand up, and replace that revolting television with a healthy treafmill. Those who do not heed my warning and foolishly surrender to this evil tube will acquire bundles of adipose tissue, that collect bit by bit and multiply exponentially, making a home in the comforts of  your theighs and abdomen.

Wake up, you children of the devil. Take those steps away from the telly and let your derriere imprint decompress. Take heed, ye sinners, and be weary of the deceitfulness behind that alluring screen. Pull yourself away now, or sink even deeper into the depths of your couch of hell.