A Prudent Education
by Ryan Cadinha


After my last final exam of winter quarter, I was at The Study Hall, having a few beers with some friends. I was overheard complaining about how broke I was and how the educational system is a money machine by these older guys who turned out to be on the University of California’s Board of Regents. They were out celebrating the next UC President’s new yearly raise, which they said made his salary around $800,000.

I began telling them how this was an unfair sum to pay a public servant when one of them, a distinguished looking man with red cheeks and nose, replied there was more to their meeting at the bar then simply congratulating a colleague. He told me they had been considering an economic plan that would eventually erase student debt as he handed me a three page article. I read it as closely as possible through the brew haze. I asked him to e-mail it to me before I left so I could get a better sense of it. He agreed, and the proposal is provided here for your consideration:


It is a daunting prospect to consider the economic position in which those scholars who do not retain the benefit of trust funds, scholarships or wealthy parentage will find themselves at the conclusion of their Baccalaureus studies, not considering the likelihood that they will ever be in a position to afford masters, law or doctoral programs. The lack of suitable, legal jobs in the unreasonably expensive areas where these students reside, in conjunction with student loans, credit card compound interest and loans secured for the purposes of vehicular transport amount to a sum which none of these persons will likely pay back in their lifetime. While financial walls continue to mount around these youngsters, the universities which they attend in the state of California likewise face a barrage of budget cuts while the government continues to spend inordinate amounts of capital on prisons, road projects and war, skyrocketing the national debt.

I should think that anyone involved in the educational system would see it to the mutual benefit of all aforementioned parties to construct a model wherein students receive the education needed to succeed in life, while increasing much needed profits for the University of California on an exponential scale. As for my own experience, my time as an educator and as a student (although college was basically free in those days) have provided me with a viewpoint wherein I can view both sides of the equation.

In regard to the less fortunate students who lack a solidly built family wealth, the prevention of secured loans and other repayable options could occur by a means most common in the feudal system. By making these individuals wards of the state for whatever period necessary to secure their desired degree, the university could better utilize their existing fecundities by funneling them into a capitalistic venture. In layman’s terms, if the students who were not able to pay had their tuitions waived and were taken into the university, housed, clothed and fed there, the cost of education for these individuals would be basically nothing. Transit would not be necessary and any funds they now freely dole out toward entertainment could be retained since their occupation within our system would negate the need for frivolity.
Within a campus of roughly twenty thousand students, our records indicate that only 32 percent have the unfortunate circumstance to be required to fund their own education. By a process of division, I have therefore determined that only 6,400 on average per campus would need to participate in our special arrangement.

Therefore, if the other existing $13,600 made their usual tuition payment to the school, while their families continued to provide donations to the regents, the loss of the impoverished one’s payments would easily be recovered by a process of creative enterprise. At a modest estimate, each student pays around $30,000 for the purposes of securing a diploma, if it is attained in four years time, beer not included. If we extrapolate these figures into potential loss by way of the negation of 32 percent of the current enrollment, we arrive at the sum of $192,000,000. While I admit this seems like a huge income gap to account for, I assert that my proposal will more than overcome the presupposed loss.

I have been assured by an acquaintance of mine who operates a prosperous escort business that a healthy, young individual can perform three to five sexual acts per day, the average cost of which is two hundred dollars. If the lower estimate of three sexual favors is multiplied by 365 days, in four years time, those burdened 6,400 could generate a gross revenue of 5.5 billion dollars in addition to receiving a free education. This amount of income, multiplied by the numerous campuses distributed across California would put this state in a position to pay off the national debt and fund multiple wars on any countries which strike the federal fancy.

The figure of 5.5 billion is a slight exaggeration when taking into account holidays, illness and menstruation, yet even half this amount is seven times what these impoverished students currently generate for the University in four years time. By allowing these individuals to function as indentured servants for our system, we would provide the cities wherein these schools are placed with an influx of economic activity (as the schools would surely bring visitors) and boost tourism in addition to performing a necessary service to remaining students, faculty and the general population.

I attest with the utmost veracity that this project holds no personal interest to me and was crafted considering no other benefit than that of our educational system and burdened youths. I was pronounced impotent by my family physician last autumn and as of yet, have found no pill or device that makes carnal pleasures possible.