Raymond Matthews
Staff Writer
Aries: You may find an Aries aggressively shotgunning a RedBull only to crush the can against their forehead, much in the way that they’ve vowed to “crush this Bio midterm!”
Taurus: A typical Taurus student can be found in the Arbor buying overpriced study snacks, because in their own words “self care is key, and chocolate is brain food!” They’ve yet to actually step foot in the library.
Gemini: Geminis will switch between their bullet-journaling, good-noodle persona to their Smirnoff-Ice-chugging, Cardi-B-blasting alter-ego. They’ll either succeed beyond their professor’s wildest dreams or avoid checking their grades on GOLD for a few months.
Cancer: Before they start studying, a Cancer will first spend at least an hour complaining about how unprepared they are for finals, posting memes on the Zesty Meme Cuisine page to express how stressed they are, and calling their mom for emotional support.
Leo: Leo students boast that they “barely even have to study” for finals. They’re so confident that they’ll probably only study for two or three days during dead week. There’s about a one percent chance that they’re right about barely having to study — pity the other 99 percent of them.
Virgo: Virgos will spend half of their monthly budget on multi-colored highlighters, decomposition notebooks, and planners from the bookstore. Whether or not these will help them study remains to be seen.
Libra: Libra students will take five-minute breaks per every 10 minutes of studying. They enjoy the balance of being well-rested and ill-prepared.
Scorpio: Scorpios will attempt to study for an hour, afterwards they’ll write a one-star, five-paragraph, well-researched scathing review of their teachers on RateMyProfessor in MLA format, complete with internal citations and a works cited page.
Sagittarius: A Sagittarius student will disappear into the abyss while studying for finals. Maybe you’ll see them over summer vacation if you’re lucky.
Capricorn: Capricorns will login to Gauchospace to take a practice test about one to two days before their first final. They will then promptly look into stripping as a new career path.
Aquarius: Aquarius students probably gave up on studying a while ago. Now they just crack open a Yerba, head to the library and enjoy the chaos.
Pisces: Pisces students will sign up for a study room so that they can have a nice, quiet space of their own to weep and enjoy their existential crises in peace.