The Million Candidates Share Their Most Important Plans
Benjamin Stein // Staff Writer
This article is purely satirical and should not be taken seriously. Any attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story should be read as entertainment only.
We asked every California gubernatorial candidate: What’s your most important plan for when you become governor?
Mayor of San Jose and Silicon Valley pick Matt Mahan (D): “Every man in California should have a robot girlfriend. On day one, I will start the production of 20 million robo-babes for 29 million Californian men. These robotic baddies will come in two flavors: blonde and goth.”
Sheriff Chad Bianco (R): “For too long, California’s corrupt Democratic government has ignored the real threat to our state: the army of Bigfoots in Yosemite. This legion of hairy beasts has been poisoning our water with fluoride and our skies with chemtrails. The only way to defeat them is by making an alliance with a slightly less sinister organization: the Freemasons.”
Man-about-to-drop-out Antonio Villaraigos (D): “We need more steroids in schools. Our children are weak as hell. How can we expect them to fight the many wolves prowling this nation?”
Former Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra (D): “Crime has become a huge problem in this state. To combat that, I will make a radical first step: outlawing all crime. Under my administration, no longer shall kidnapping, stealing, and insurance fraud be legal.”
Billionaire businessman Tom Steyer (D): “First, I will combat homelessness. This will be done by constructing a giant orb near Los Angeles. This orb can roll around California, allowing homeless people to jump into it through its many doors. Second, I will stop Trump’s Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). I’ll achieve this by creating a massive pilotable robot beneath the Golden Gate Bridge. If ICE enters this state, this robot, which will be piloted by a highly trained, traumatized teenager, can fight it using a giant robot saber. Thirdly, we need to fight climate change. To do this, I’ll build a massive heat-proof dome covering the entirety of California, except for Bakersfield.”
Fox News anchor and Brit Steve Hilton (R): “The state’s bloody Democratic government are bollocks! We need real leadership, and that is me. First, I will sign an order making myself King of California. Then, I’ll take all those tax dollars we’re wasting on healthcare and education and put them towards building a beautiful palace. Finally, I’ll declare war on France.”
Former Congresswoman Katie Porter (D): “As a struggling mother of three, I know the hardship of having your children getting kidnapped by forest witches. No one should go through the experience of waking up and finding out that your six-year-old son, Peter Porter, has been taken. It’s not until 14 years later that you see Peter again, and he’s been transformed into some half-deer, half-human creature with magical powers and he says he’s getting married to the ‘king of the forest’ and you’re invited to the wedding. And you’re fine with the gay thing, but the problem is that the king of the forest is 4,000 years old and has never had a real job. So, to answer your question, I think we need to give more money to childcare.”
Truly, this election might just be the most dramatic occurrence in California since the “H” in the Hollywood sign disappeared.